Monday, October 25, 2010

Dear Mars Inc.

Dear Mars Inc.,

I am writing to inform you that your Twix bars do not work as advertised! Having been caught in numerous embarrassing and troublesome situations, I have repeatedly reached for a Twix bar in hopes of obtaining a sufficient lie to cover my greed, bigotry, chauvinism, and general bad character. But alas, after countless kerfuffles and many-a-Twix, no such saving lie has arisen while consuming one your delicious, yet falsely advertised, bars. And let me tell you, nothing makes a compromising situation more awkward than stopping to eat a tasty treat!

To be clear, your Twix bars are indeed delicious! I am not disputing that fact. Were I welcome back in the local grocery stores and near their vending machines, I would gladly purchase and consume your Twix bars on a regular basis. Though, since your bars have not worked as advertised in providing adequate lies in sticky situations, I am now unwelcome in many places that would otherwise provide ready access to a plenty of your scrumptious bars.

I know that you did not intend to falsely advertise your product, particularly since it is so delicious! In light of this, you should be made aware that these bars simply do not work as your marketing team believes they do. Perhaps they are timezone specific or simply carry high-latency lies which arrive too late and out of context? I trust that your research team will look into these possibilities, as well as many other reasons for the malfunction.

Whatever the case may be, I look forward to future upgrades to the Twix bar! Don't worry about these initial failures — not every product works as expected the first time. And, I'm sure you'll get it right soon enough. Until then, I will work on recovering from the recent trouble I have been in on account of the faulty bars, and I will be ready for action when Twix 2.0 arrives!

To my non-Mars Inc. readers, please write your Twix bar malfunction stories below. We need to provide the Twix engineers and researchers with sufficient data to correct the problem!


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