security alert: all your base are belong to us!

Listen up, kids. All your base are belong to us, and here's why:

In the mid-30's a group of elite phonograph hackers stumbled across the biggest security risk ever discovered in the world of stationary (non-portable) music players. It was discovered that by merely entering a phonograph owner's home, one could acquire sensitive information about the victim. That's right -- by simply stealing the phonograph owner's belongings, enough information could be gathered to successfully assume the victim's identity and belongings.

The threat continues today, even with modern stationary music players, such as RADIO and SHINY MUSIC DISC PLAYER and MAGNETIC TAPE READING THING. By allowing such an elite hacker to have knowledge of the presence of a stationary music player, you become subject this nasty form of IDENTYFICATION THEFT. Elite hackers will necessarily break into your home, steal your identity, and use your money to fund their 1337 h4x1ng activities. On top of that, Glenn Beck and John Stewart will also arrive and engage in an everlasting thumb war which will have make all your base are belong to us.

Live long and prosper, ape face.